To You

I don’t know where to start, how to stop my heart from breaking apart. I tried to hide it, to pretend that I’m okay. But the more I denied it, the more it pained me anyway. There are those times when you feel like nothing could possibly go your way. I tried to ask him to change, to be more sensitive of my feelings. But he chose to be who he is. You hate knowing that the one person so special to you doesn't feel even a fraction of the emotions that seep from you. He makes you feel like you mean so much to him but you feel that that’s impossible. He holds such a vulnerable thing captive and that thing is your heart. It hurts to be so torn between so many emotions. I wish it could all just stop. I know that you’re happy, and I want you to know that, when you’re happy, I’m happy, because I would do anything for you, because you mean so much to me. It hurts me to know that the one thing that brought a smile to my face and made me happy, is gone.

Now I’m here all alone, asking myself where I went wrong. You said that you love me so much, you promised me that “hindi kita iiwan, mahal na mahal kita” every time I remembered this line from you it caused so much pain for me. How can you make me desperate, the way you said, you insult me. You always say you hate to see me hurt and you hate to see me cry. So all those times that you hurt me, did you close your eyes?  How can you be so cruel? I want to slap you! Yes it’s over; I give up because I can’t stand the pain.  I know, I hurt you also but I want to let go…

I’ve understood to all his shortcomings, trying to accept that’s how he is. But still here I am, hurting and breaking. I want to let go and move on, but still I’m waiting and wondering if he might change. Every day I waited that my phone might ring, crossing my fingers that everything is unreal.

You want me to tell you the honest truth? Yeah? Well, here it is... I spend endless afternoons thinking about you. Someday, I don’t think about you at all, but that’s rare, because I usually don’t go a minute without thinking about you, or seeing you in my mind. When I first met you, I thought you would be different, different from others, I believed in you and I trust you that you love me.

I made a choice to finally let go, because I can't stand the pain, it's time for my last tear to fall and smile again. So... from now on...when you think of me... just remember that I could've been the best thing you ever had. While I was holding on all you did was let go. I'm going to smile, because I want to make you happy, laugh, so you won't see me cry. I'm going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me, I'm going to smile.  One day you'll look back and think... damn! That girl really did love me...  You are unmistakenably my first love. The day is ending and so is our sad story; now I’m here writing this open letter to my broken heart. One day you will be okay, I will be okay, and all this will just be another story.

Time and time again, I forgave you. I've forgiven you for things that I swore to myself I'd never forgive someone for... and here you are, still hurting me, and I still forgave you.